I look at my kids, and I’m super proud. They are smart, they are growing in important ways, mostly they are kind, and sometimes they are helpful. In general, I feel like they have good hearts and curious minds. I know that their success as people is attributable to some degree on them having good parents, and I’m confident enough of own my role in that. My kids are far from perfect, but I think I’m doing a good job. I don’t know why it feels so wrong to say this out loud, but I think I’m a good mom.
Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m a very good friend. I want to be a good friend, and I want to be surrounded by good friends. I want a tribe. I want to be part of a girl squad who gets together for wine, movies, play dates, shopping trips, and maybe even getaways or vacations with each other’s families. I want our husbands to like each other so we can double date. I want a bestie like my mom had when I was growing up–a neighbor lady whose door is always open and whose kids I treat like my own.
I don’t have any of that. I sort of know why I don’t, and it’s all very logical. First and foremost, my mom didn’t work, and most of the women in our neighborhood didn’t either. Her world was fundamentally different from mine, and I can’t discount that. Neither my husband nor I grew up here, and we don’t have family here. So many women I meet are married to their high school sweethearts and have a huge circle of siblings and cousins and lifelong friends surrounding them. My husband and I have also changed jobs multiple times, and I’ve changed careers twice. I yearn for my former coworkers and my work wife. We all still love each other, but when you’re not suffering through the same meetings that could have been emails, the relationship undoubtedly changes.
All of those reasons are definitely a huge part of why I don’t have the tribe I want. However, sometimes being a good mom makes me a bad friend. I work a lot, and both my husband and I travel for work. On the rare Friday night when we’re both in town and neither is working, the last thing I’d consider doing is a girls night. Rarely do we hire a babysitter to even have a date night, although we’ve been trying to do better with that. My point is, it’s really hard for me to figure out how to fit in the girl time without spending less time with my children or my husband. It’s especially difficult to justify spending time away from my family when the women I know aren’t super close friends. When I am invited somewhere, I find myself asking, “Is it worth it?” as I evaluate how long I’ll be gone and how close I am or want to be to the women who will be there.
I don’t want to have to weigh the probabilities around social events like this. I want to have time to do everything, although I recognize that’s an unrealistic fantasy. I’m caught in a constant cycle: if I don’t go out when I’m invited, I’ll never grow my friendships; but, if I go out with women I’m not close with, I’ll regret it or feel emptier than before.
I have a lot of flaws as a friend, mostly that I’m unavailable a lot. But I think it’s important to remind myself what I am good at. I will always text you back, I reach out often, I’ll remember your birthday, and I’ll take your call. In fact, I’m in the car so much that I’m a great phone friend. So, while getting together might be hard, I want to believe I can maintain a connection in other ways.
When I met my husband, I realized how easy romantic relationships could be. I’m hoping for the same effortlessness in a friendship with a woman. I imagine our schedules perfectly align, our kids get along, we can share babysitters, and spending time together rejuvenates us. Is this even possible in 2018? The year is almost over, so perhaps I’ll resolve to be a better friend in 2019 and see where it takes me.
