The Toddler Trenches

Picture this; It’s 7:30 pm on a typical weeknight in our home.  My 4 month-old is happily bouncing in his exersaucer in the living room while the 2-year-old toddler is enjoying a tubby in the bathroom nearby.  There is giggling. There is splashing. My husband pulls the drain as a “warning” that bath time is nearly over—something he does EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  This is how it begins.

“Nooooo! More tubby!”

You can all guess where this is going.  One toddler plus one transition away from his beloved tubby equals trouble.  It starts with crying.  The water has drained along with every ounce of my child’s sanity. My husband carries my son, soaking wet and full of rage, towards the bedroom.  There is screaming.  There is kicking. I hear my husband, ever the voice of reason, say,  “No kicking. We don’t kick.”  Eventually, he calms down, and quickly as it began, it’s over. Out he comes, a vision in pizza-print pajamas, smiling, asking for a drink of milk.  The emotions turn on a dime these days.

“I think you should say sorry to Daddy. You kicked him.”

“No.  I NOT sorry!”

And there it is. He might be a lot of things, but a liar isn’t one of them. He’s not sorry, and that’s all there is to it.  On another day, he might have offered an unsolicited “sorry” to one of us after doing something wrong—but not tonight. Tonight it’s not his idea, and therefore it’s not happening.

In many ways, my son is a typical toddler. The center of his own universe, he doesn’t enjoy being told what to do.  He will eat a whole plate of carrots one day and shun them the next. He can have a meltdown over many things; wanting the RED cup, the BLUE blanket, one very specific police car, or being told (for the hundredth time) that NO, he cannot play with the digital thermometer.  

And in many MORE ways, he is such a joy. Charming, giggly, silly, and playful.  He rides by on his bike saying, “Wow. I’m too FAST!!!” He whispers “love you” from his room if you walk by.  He will give you unlimited bites of his animal crackers. He points out airplanes in the sky and asks you to “pound” his tiny fist. He’s the best.

But don’t get it twisted—my son does things for one reason and one reason only—because HE wants to.  This has always been true for him. When he crawled, walked, spoke, tried new foods…it’s because HE wanted to, and never at our request.

Luckily, he met his milestones before we knew it, and the refusals of months past are memories now.  These days, he has chosen different battles.

It seems like it’s always something. I know he’s developing a sense of self. I know toddlers are opinionated.  But I worry that he is SO strong-willed that his refusals will impact him at some point: be it nutritionally, academically, socially, or developmentally. If the past is any indication, he’ll get everything in his own time. But in the meantime, raising this strong-willed little dude is beyond challenging.  I watch my friends’ children. They seem so cooperative…so eager to please. My kid likes praise—but not enough to do what I want. In his toddler classroom, I’ll point out when one of his friends uses the toilet—and he will praise his friend, saying “Yay! You did it!” But ask him to go? Please. Good for THAT kid, selling out to the man. But I’ll continue to do what I want, thank you very much.

I work with Early Intervention for a living. I’m a physical therapist. And my 2-year-old is slightly behind in gross motor skills. Why? He REFUSES to practice any skills that aren’t interesting to him. His motor skills don’t hold him back in his day-to-day life with peers at school or with his friends…not yet anyway.  Maybe as an expert in this field, I’m just painfully aware of exactly what he “should” be doing at this age.  Maybe I’m over-thinking this. But his personality causes him to refuse to try new things…which causes him to avoid undesired tasks…which leads to delays in his skills.  I lose sleep over his stubbornness and how it could impact him.  This is my day job…and I can’t get my own child to practice skills I’m supposed to be an expert at teaching.  It’s maddening.

I’m admittedly new to this parenting game. Nearly two and a half years in and I’m still learning every day.  As I reread these thoughts, maybe I come off as an overachiever. A worrier. But this is my reality right now, regardless of how it’s received. My friends in the field are on the receiving end of my questions and frustrations regularly. And I will continue to praise my toddler commander every day when he tries something new. But right now, we’re in the trenches!!!

Parents of other strong-willed children; please tell me that someday my child will use his strength for good?! And in the meantime, send wine.