Somewhere around my 30th birthday, I decided that I had certain non-negotiables; terms that I would keep to and not apologize for. As a way to take more control of my own happiness and give myself the authority and agency that I deserve, I made a mental list of basic practices for which I would not apologize.
Here they are, in no particular order; ten principles that have freed me from so much of my anxiety and feelings of inadequacy.
Doing things differently
Continuing to breastfeed when my son turned one. Continue to rent vs. buy a house. Spend money from our savings to travel instead of putting it towards a down payment. Practice baby-led weaning instead of feeding my son purees.
These are some of the choices my husband and I have made that have been questioned by even those closest to us. I rarely back down from the opportunity to explain and educate, but I was surprised at the amount of judgment we’ve faced over the years. Over time we noticed a pattern. Those who seemed the most judgmental of our choices were the people whose choices were very different than ours. It became clear that because we’ve chosen to do things differently than them, they assumed that we thought our choices were superior, which is in no way true.
I’ll say it louder for the people in the back- My choice to do things differently than you is NOT a commentary on your choices. We’re doing everything in a way that makes sense to us, with the information we have available to us. I assume you’re doing the same. Live and let live, shall we?
Being proud of my achievements
I don’t mean being boastful, but if I don’t toot my own horn, who else will do it for me?
How different would life be if we could all discuss our skills and achievements and respond with sincere enthusiasm? What if we could celebrate someone’s accomplishments without feeling competitive?
Yes, I want to tell you about what I’m proud of, and I want to hear about your accomplishments, too! What’s so wrong with that?
Not being perfect
This includes (but is not limited to) if I’m looking a bit frumpier than usual, if my house is a mess, if my car smells, etc. I’m doing my best, and I would like to think that the people who love me know that. I don’t need to apologize for falling short somedays.
Cultivating some friendships more than others
I know this one will be controversial, but hear me out. I think we can all acknowledge that it’s normal to have a better connection with some than others. But due to family connections, shared history, etc. it’s pretty impossible to limit your relationships to those that are completely natural and almost effortless.
In the past, while trying to make plans, it has often come up that if not everyone in a particular friend/family group is invited, someone feels left out. It has been exhausting juggling those who I want to be around (those who rejuvenate me and “fill my tank,” so to speak) and those who SHOULD be there (because if he or she is not, it will cause an issue.)
As one of the primary planners among friends, the stress of getting everyone together typically falls on me. Of course, I understand that friendships have some level of “work” involved, but lately, I’ve decided that I’m through exhausting myself trying to make everyone happy when it comes to plans. I’m not trying to be unkind, or purposely leave anyone out, but I’ve resigned myself to the fact that those closest to me know that I wouldn’t do anything to intentionally to hurt them.
I love you. You love me. But sometimes it’s just easier to coordinate plans with one friend than five. Hopefully, we can all acknowledge that and not take it personally.
Not apologizing
A quarter of my conversations in my 20s started with, “I’m sorry…”. Okay, that number is not based on data, but it’s probably close to accurate.
Then I realized, not only do my apologies seem less impactful when I’m doling them out willy-nilly, but also, what was I really even apologizing for? Having thoughts? Having something to say? NOPE. Not going to do that anymore.
Taking up space
Around the time I turned 30, I paused to realize how often people (see: men) expected me to move out of their way, without so much as an “excuse me.” When I really dialed in, it was shocking to me how often it was assumed that I would be the one to move or step aside.
Around this time, I decided I wouldn’t shrink away to make room. I deserve to take up space just as much as anyone. And I don’t mean needlessly being in the way, but expecting me to move without so much as a common courtesy was a sign of a more ingrained issue.
Planning things around my kid’s nap (or not going out late in the evening)
This one is relatively straightforward. I’ve gotten push-back (usually from those who don’t have kids) when I’ve tried to make plans around my son’s nap. Or to make sure our family can be home for my son to get to bed around the same time as he usually does. And I don’t really get it.
Yes, it would be nice to not have to plan my schedule around the world’s tiniest dictator. But if he doesn’t get sleep, I’m the one who will deal with the consequences. It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with you, please don’t take it personally.
Asking questions
I don’t mean probing personal questions. I retain knowledge better with context, and that usually means I have clarifying questions. Please don’t roll your eyes if you don’t have the same questions. My time is just as valuable as yours, and I don’t think I should have to apologize for wanting clarification.
Speaking up when I don’t agree
I wouldn’t say that I’ve always been a “yes” woman, but there were definitely more than a handful of times when I simply agreed with someone or something to avoid being “difficult.” I, for one, would like to live in a world of different perspectives, so I can learn more and know better.
My tears
I’m an emotional person, or maybe it’s more kind to label myself as sensitive, and I’ve been on this planet long enough to see that it makes some people uncomfortable. It makes others roll their eyes and assume I’m putting it on. But I never am.
I’m firmly in the camp that emotions cannot be wrong. You can control your resulting actions, but if you feel a certain way, you feel a certain way. Whether you think I should or not, I do. And I don’t think I should have to apologize for that.
My point is that we all struggle. We all fail and make mistakes. I fully support apologizing for intentionally causing pain, but I genuinely think we should have confidence in who we are as people and reserve apologies for the real deal.
