While pregnant with my second baby, I had the same fears most mothers have: How will I love another baby the way I love the one I have now? Does love actually multiply? How will I balance life with two kids with differing needs? Will my first child miss the one-on-one time we have now? An avid reader of anything related to parenting, I turned to the internet to read stories on this transition from one to two.
Over and over again, I got the same answers: Yes, your love will multiply. You’ll find your new normal in those first few months, but give yourself some grace during the transition. Your first child will find a new normal in all of this, too.
While I’m all about giving moms affirmations like this, I’m also all about being real and honest, and the honest truth for me is that I thought the transition would be a whole lot different than how it has been.
Here’s the reality for me, and I’m guessing that it rings true for other moms out there, too. Caring for one child is very different from caring for two children. My first baby slept well from the start, was tiny and easy to carry, and whenever she had needs, I was able to immediately respond to those needs because she was my primary focus. Now, nineteen months into having two kids, I can say that yes, my heart grew and love did indeed multiply as soon as I met my son, but my attention is very divided. I have yet to find balance.
I will say that I received the helpful advice that all children are unique. That couldn’t be more accurate when describing the differences between my two children. My second baby still doesn’t sleep for more than two hours at a time, and he’s often awake for a few hours in the middle of the night, showing no signs of tiredness. He got heavy quickly and became difficult to carry around at all times, and because he’s always overtired, he’s very fussy and needy.
I can’t meet my son’s needs while also meeting my daughter’s, so inevitably, someone is left waiting, and I’m feeling stress like I’ve never felt before. At a recent doctors appointment, the doctor asked, “Are you feeling any anxiety?” and I nervously laughed as I admitted to how tough this transition has been.
In those early days of feeling this way, I reread those blog posts that assured me these days would soon be over and we’d be on to enjoying this life as a family of four, just like we had enjoyed being a family of three. Nobody prepared me for how long this transition to our new normal could last. I expected a few months of learning about my new baby and getting him figured out, the way I had figured out motherhood the first time around, but I haven’t figured him out yet. Because of that, I haven’t figured out how to manage my days with two kids, either.
My story is just a variation of normal. I know that, and I do give myself grace as I know that eventually, we will sleep again and we will have a boy who can verbally express what he’s feeling. We’re getting there. It’s just taking more time than I expected. Oh, how I wish my expectations had been different!
Hi Sarah,
Thank you so much for sharing this. I think this post will hit home for a lot of parents and validate their experiences, including me. What a kind and compassionate blog to put out into the world, by being vulnerable and honest, others will really benefit.
I feel that the hardest things about parenting for me are maintaining compassion for kids when they are challenging, maintaining compassion for myself, and being comfortable with my human limitations. This piece made me think even more about that.
You have likely already read Janet Lansbury’s book or listened to her podcasts. In listening to her podcast, I have found a lot of solace. One of her major tenets (as I understand it) is that we cannot possibly be all things to our kids and that we are not responsible for their feelings. This has been really revolutionary for me.
So, in those moments of distress, when it feels like I just cannot do it all, I start to think of her words and realize that I am not supposed to have that capacity, and it’s good that I don’t have that capacity.
It’s ok if someone is left crying (waiting, etc). That crying child is actually lucky to have the opportunity to experience a really important emotion in that moment, and it creates safety and freedom in allowing that to happen.
She has taught me that I am actually doing a good thing by not being everything to everybody and this allows me to feel more spaciousness in being a human parent.
Not sure if that resonates in any way, but hopefully it it makes some sense. Thanks again. I hope the sleep improves soon. Nothing good happens without sleep 🙂
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