Type B Mom, Type A Kid

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March 18, 2018

It was a typical weekday morning as a mom with 2 kids, 2 and under. I was fixing my coffee with one hand while trying to soothe my teething 7-month-old with the other. Clanking the spoon against the mug served as the background music to my shrieking red-faced little boy. I bounced him on my hip and poured too much cream on accident, overflowing my mug. Geez, could I not even fix myself a decent cup of coffee without making a mess?

In the middle of this chaos, I look up to see my 2-year-old’s hazel eyes, as big as saucers, welling up with tears. Over the wailing of his little brother, I raise my voice to ask him,

“What’s wrong, buddy?”

He points at the clock.

“Yes, it is 7:46.”

“Beckfad sebben-wee-oh.”

I run the sentence through my toddler translator and realize he is telling me that I am late. Breakfast was supposed to happen 16 minutes ago, at 7-3-0 and my two-year-old had noticed. Sidenote: I am now well aware that teaching my kid how to tell time on a digital clock as soon as he knew his numbers was my number one mistake, but he was my first and I was excited. It will never happen again. Ever.

This conversation occurred almost 6 years ago and I still remember it clear as day. It was that moment I realized the little boy who looked almost exactly like me was wired with a personality that was much different than my own. This disorganized, creative, idealistic girl was in charge of raising a very task-oriented, particular, type-A child, and I was terrified.

Growing Pains

Over the next two years or so, the more I got to know my son, the more confused I was. Who was this child? Where did he come from? Why did certain situations set him into a complete meltdown? He always seemed so irritated with me.

I constantly felt as if I was parenting out of a place of reaction. Up until that point, I pretty much lived my life in reaction-mode. Parenting with that mentality was clearly not working for me. I had to figure out how to parent someone I hardly understood.

With the little free time I had, I researched right-brained versus left-brained theories, took Myers-Briggs tests, and figured out our love languages. I went deep down the personality-type rabbit hole and discovered there are a whole bunch of people who are very different from myself, my kiddo included. Once I began trying to see the world through his eyes, things started to get easier.

Finding Common Ground

If you are in a similar situation, here are a few key things I learned over the years that help us meet comfortably in the middle:

Write things down. I make a point to write almost all of my expectations down. I write down everything; house rules, daily schedules, cleaning checklists, and behavioral expectations. I have found this practice not only helps my kiddo, but it helps me stay on task as well.
Go over the daily plan during breakfast. My kids and I discuss the coming days’ events over cheerios and yogurt almost every day. Having a general plan really seems to help everyone.
Give plenty of time for transitions. I used to give a 10-minute warning, 5-minute warning and 2-minute warning for transitions. This is especially useful as a homeschooling mom. The extra time is essential for him to wrap up whatever he is working on and mentally prepare to move on to the next thing.
Give choices. Being a type B person, it doesn’t matter to me the order in which we do things. I have always let him pick his own clothes, recreational activities, and the order in which we do school work. Giving my son a sense of control whenever I can is so beneficial to him.

To be honest with you, my assumptions about motherhood were wrong. It didn’t occur to me that I would have to alter my behavior in order to accommodate different personalities in my family. I didn’t realize that I would have to change. In my immaturity, I thought my children would eventually bend to accommodate me.

Our day-to-day interaction got much easier when I finally realized that I needed to change some, too. We stopped fighting each other and really began working together.

The rigidity of a schedule still freaks me out, and the thought of an egg-timer (tick-tick-tick) sends chills down my spine. Those things will never change. We compromise. We follow a more flexible but still predictable routine and use the (non-ticking) timer on the microwave.

I bend and he bends. Even now, at 8 years old, I remind him and his siblings that we are all on the same team. We all have to compromise sometimes for the greater good of the whole family. A family that welcomes all personality types with open arms.

The Practical Easter Basket: Alternatives to Chocolate Bunnies and Bubbles

By

Robin Barton

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March 16, 2018

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The Easter Bunny (definition): a human-sized animal that doesn’t speak but possesses Santa-level skills employed to deliver Easter baskets and hiding eggs.

I had a hard time buying it as a kid and I think my 7-year-old is getting to that point too. Nonetheless, he does look forward to the contents of his basket on Easter morning.

If you are like me, small trinket type items give you a touch of anxiety. When my kids receive a party favors I confiscate them almost immediately. Then I usually discard any tiny items that I know will ultimately reside between my couch cushions.

That being said, the Easter Bunny that visits our house avoids knick-knacks. That’s not to say she (he? it?) can’t make the practical stuff fun. Here are some alternatives beyond chocolate bunnies and bubbles:

Art Supplies: In our house, we can always use more pencils, erasers, crayons, and markers. There are additional craft supplies that kids love to use: pipe cleaners, pom poms, glue, stamps, stencils all fit the bill. Better yet? You can find crafting accouterments like this for cheap at a dollar store or local craft store.

Summer Gear: We rarely make it out of the summer without my kids losing at least one pair of sunglasses. Given that, they receive new pairs in their baskets and usually a new hat too. I’ve even gone as far as putting bathing suits and water shoes in their baskets. While this may go over your spending limit, if you are going to buy them these items anyway, you aren’t really spending “extra.”

Small Games/Travel Items: In prior years I’ve stuck decks of Uno and Old Maid cards in Easter baskets. They’re a great alternative to the requisite bottle of bubbles. Other travel-sized games can come in handy for those summer vacations or trips to grandma and grandpa’s house. We also love Water Wow sets made by Melissa & Doug. They’re awesome for car rides and are reusable.

Something Needed: This category is broad. Look around at things they might just really need. Could their toothbrush stand a replacement? Do they need a new thermos or water bottle? Have their socks seen better days? Making useful items personal and fun amp up the excitement level – so get that character toothbrush, a water bottle that’s their favorite color, or socks with a fun pattern.

Books: You really can’t go wrong here. There are Easter-themed books on display in stores already but you don’t have to relegate yourself to Easter. Make it more personal by getting a book with their favorite character or animal in it.

Lunchbox snacks: Want to give your children some food items in their basket while avoiding copious amounts of chocolate and Peeps? My kids get one small chocolate bunny and then what I refer to as “lunchbox snacks.” Tried and true snack favorites such as pretzels, raisins, applesauce, and granola bars in their basket guarantee you’ll have an assortment of goodies rather than a collection of confection. Because let’s face it: you still have some Halloween candy hiding in a cupboard somewhere.

Remember, kids find joy in the small things. They don’t always need a belly full of chocolate to be happy on Easter Sunday!

Why I Walked Out: A Middle Schooler’s Experience at the Rally Against Gun Violence

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Guest Author

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March 15, 2018

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Today I went to the rally against gun violence at the State House. Although it was a journey to get there, it was extremely cool to be part of such an important cause. Gun violence is something my friends and I have been talking about for a while now, and we knew that this rally would be a good way to get involved with such an important issue. We are worried that something like Parkland could happen to us, and we even have lockdown drills at school. Teachers at my school and others I know were against the walk out. They say their thoughts and prayers are with the victims, but then it does not make sense to me why they would not want us to walk out.

When we got to the State House we had to go through security. It was good that they have security there. I went with two friends and one friend’s mom went with us. We met a third friend there. The sign we made said, “NO MORE LIVES LOST.”

There were hundreds of people there, mostly kids. Kids from all different schools yelled chants against guns and proudly showed off their signs. Inside the State House, people spoke out about what they believed and addressed the issues with our government and how nothing is being done about the issue. I was inspired by the courage of others.

Last year I went to the Women’s March, but this was different. This is an issue that is more important to kids. I hope the government will see this and make a change.

At Providence Moms Blog, we are proud to bring this guest blog, written by a local middle schooler, to our readers. If your student is interested in sharing their experiences about gun violence and gun control, we encourage them to submit a guest post.

Why I’m Obsessed with Dream Dinners Plainville

By

Ashley Lint

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March 15, 2018

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We are thrilled that through our partnership with Dream Dinners Plainville, we are able to bring you the following review.

When I look back at my childhood I can’t help but wonder how my parents worked 40 hours a week, made it to every school event they could and still managed to get dinner on the table in a timely manner seven nights a week. I’m a stay at home mom and we’re lucky if we have 4 ‘real’ meals a week. Clearly, my parents have some magic powers that didn’t make it to me. Thanks, guys.

We’ve tried the other at home meal kits but none were a good fit for our family. I had resolved to scour Pinterest or making the same meals every week. Then my fellow mamas here at PMB introduced me to a hidden gem: Dream Dinners Plainville, my busy mama heart was happy.

Dream Dinners is an in-store meal prep service that provides you with all the supplies and ingredients to make the meals you select ahead of time. Every month they put out their calendar and you’re able to pick your meal selections and choose the serving sizes that work for your family. Cooking with others is always fun, but cooking with others when you don’t have to chop, dice, prep or clean-up is even better.

Dream Dinners Plainville Providence Moms Blog Last month I was lucky enough to get to go to Dream Dinners and try it out first hand. I let my husband choose what meals he wanted, and off I went to my ‘moms night out.’ When you arrive at Dream Dinners, their awesome staff welcomes you like an old friend. They explain how the evening works, show you around the kitchen and get you set up in your first station. The recipes are clear and easy to follow; they even color code the measuring spoons to make it foolproof!

My first recipe was Mini Chicken Pot Pies, and they could not have been simpler to assemble. Your station has everything ready to go; the chicken is cooked and chopped, the veggies are cleaned and diced, and the base sauce is ready to measure. A scoop of chicken, a scoop of veggies and voila! First bag done. Next, you measure your sauce, add some seasoning to your second bag, and you’re good to go. They even have puff pastry sheets cut into the perfect size and bag it up for you. It all gets put into a big ziplock with the cooking directions placed right inside. This whole meal took less than 10 minutes to put together. Let me repeat that: it took less than 10 minutes. That’s less time than it takes to wrestle my toddler into her car seat every day.

Dream Dinners Plainville Providence Moms Blog Start to finish, it took me maybe 45 minutes to prep 5 meals. When I was done they were all neatly placed in my cooler ready to head home. I couldn’t make 5 meals at home on a normal day. To make them in less than an hour is a triumph. After you make your dinners you also have the options to pick out some yummy sides and/or dessert to make your night even easier. They even have giant cookies that you can just break off to bake 4 at a time. Game changer.

The dinners came home and got packed away in the freezer to await their debut on my kitchen table. This would be the true test: they look delicious to the adults, but were they kid approved? My oldest, my resident food critic, requested the mini meatloaves first. She also decided she was making them herself, and now I’m really in love with this meal prep thing. Dinner was a stress-free undertaking for the first time in probably ever; the kids inhaled the food, we had multiple servings and other than the pan I cooked them in I had no cleanup. Needless to say, I’m hooked.

Dream Dinners Plainville Providence Moms Blog The other meals were wonderful, kid approved, and so easy to put together. It’s a great option for busy families like mine to prep some food and have meals stocked in the freezer ready to go.

Do yourself a favor: go check out Dream Dinners Plainville. They have their March and April menus up so you can pick from their great selection and make a menu that works for your house. Chances are you’ll be glad you did.

Dream Dinners Plainville Providence Moms Blog

Dream Dinners is an innovative concept in meal preparation that eliminates stress by taking away that nagging question of – what am I going to make for dinner tonight? It removes all menu planning, shopping, prep-work and clean-up by moving the meal assembly process out of people’s kitchens and into specially equipped stores.

Dream Dinners’ guests preview a changing monthly menu online at dreamdinners.com and select their dinners from a menu featuring up to 17 items, such as Steak Gorgonzola, Penne with Chicken and Peanut Sauce and Firehouse Three Cheese Pasta with Meatballs. The guest can elect to assemble 3-serving or 6-serving dinners, in any combination that works best for their families.

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Mamas, We Can’t Keep Them Safe On Our Own

By

Alana DiMario

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March 14, 2018

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“What’s my job?” I have asked my kids, 1,435,872 times by now.

“To keep me safe,” they have answered, each and every time.

From their perspective, at their ages, this is what I want them to believe. I want them to believe that their safety and security in this world is assured by the efforts and vigilance of me and their dad or another adult who is caring for them. I want them to develop a sense of trust in the invisible safety net around them, so they are free to grow and explore in the ways they should at their ages.

What they don’t know, and what is out of our control as parents, is that so much of their safety is left up to people they will never see or meet or even hear about. I am in control of whether their bath water is too hot and whether they are appropriately supervised in the tub, but I have to leave the cleanliness of that water up to others: the legislators who pass laws about levels of chemicals and bacteria in our water supply, the people who build the systems who monitor those levels, and the humans who read the data are all responsible for helping to keep my children safe as they practice blowing bubbles underwater in the tub and brush their teeth.

I am in control of choosing to feed my kids healthy foods, prepared and served appropriately according to age and ability. But I have to trust that the laws and regulations passed by the USDA and the FDA on down, and the workers who must abide by those laws, are ensuring that cleanliness standards are upheld and that dangerous shortcuts aren’t taken. Cooking things well and cutting them up small is only part of the safety net that I need to rely on at the dinner table.

You can go through your day with your kids and see this in a million different ways. I use car seats that are installed correctly and buckled correctly every time, that’s on me. But were the seats tested appropriately before being sold? Did the manufacturer take a shortcut and use a cheaper material than is allowed? I am a cautious driver and keep my car in good working order. But how can I be sure that other drivers are qualified to be on the road, and that unsafe vehicles are identified and fixed?

The answer is that I have trust in the systems that surround me. Are they perfect? No. That’s why I don’t eat unwashed fruit and why communities like Flint, Michigan have had to fight for clean drinking water for far too long. However, a generation ago we all had lead paint in our homes, BPA in our plastic, chlorofluorocarbons in our spray cans, loose to nonexistent drunk driving laws, and barely anyone wore a seat belt or had a child in a car seat past infancy. When we know better, we do better — and we force our legislators to take action to ensure that there are standards to adhere to in the interest of public health and safety.

Except for one, huge, glaring blind spot: guns. Yup, sorry to have let you get this far without making the point of this post clear. This is one area where our legislators have been failing us in their duty to keep our kids safe and for some reason the area where sometimes we as parents forget that this one is not all on us.

Yes, it is my job to ask about guns in the homes where my children visit and make our choices accordingly. Yes, it is my job to teach them to never, ever touch a gun if they see one, and to tell an adult immediately. But I can’t make sure that people who shouldn’t have guns can’t easily buy one. I can’t make sure that the background check system is functioning properly with timely information that is shared between states. I can’t make sure that every gun sale requires a background check, and that people in states with stricter laws can’t just go to a neighboring state with looser laws to buy one instead. I can’t do population-level research on the root causes of gun violence to inform new laws like the CDC should be allowed to do once again. I can’t impose regulations on gun manufacturers to enhance and add safety feature like we have with the automobile manufacturers and cars.

What I can do is support my state and federal legislators who are proposing legislation to make our children safer. Legislation that keeps guns out of the hands of domestic abusers, for one. Legislation that enhances cooperation between states for background checks, for another. The myth that this fight is hopeless is just not true. Local action from groups like Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense has steadily made progress in these areas on a local, grassroots level. Polling shows that support for gun safety measures is at its highest ever, an overwhelming majority.

As parents, we have never just sat back and allowed drunk or distracted drivers to keep harming our kids. We have fought for cleaner and safer air and water for the world they will inherit from us. We have fought for schools and food labeling systems that are safe for our kids with food allergies. We have fought for modifications on toys and products that have proven to be a risk to our kids. This is no different. Keeping our kids safe from gun violence is not something any of us can do alone, and we shouldn’t have to.

Spring, Can You Come Now (Please?)!

By

Darlene Follett

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March 13, 2018

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Spring, are you out there?

I hate winter. I know that there are some people who love it (and by all means, please enjoy it to its fullest), but I am over it. At this point, I could do without the eighty bags I now need to carry full of shoes to change into, coats for the children when they get out of the car seats, and God knows what else. Additionally, my children no longer have matching mittens and no stores sell them any longer because who needs winter stuff in the winter, right?! It’s cool, we are all just channeling our inner Punky Brewster over here.

I have not even touched upon the additional half hour it takes us to get ready to leave the house. Not to mention the moment of utter defeat when I finally have both children ready only to discover that my toddler has already stripped most of the winter clothing off and I have to start over. That’s super awesome as well. January was the absolute longest this year; it was like forever. I tried to be really positive about February – it’s a short month. However, the majority of it was spent in quarantine because my darling family caught every germ and illness ever. I think I forgot what the real world looked like. Add in a dose of the winter blues and the last of my patience, and well, my parenting has probably been less than stellar lately.

However, Mother Nature knew I was at my breaking point. She manages to know this every year. And ever so quietly, she snuck in three of the most glorious days and probably saved us all. There was sunshine and warmth. We left quarantine. We explored, ran around, took off our coats, and saw so many other happy people out and about. I know everyone felt the same way, I am pretty sure the whole state of Rhode Island came to the zoo with me one day. In short, it was the perfect reminder that spring was lurking nearby. That these gray days are survivable and I am really not the world’s worst mother.

Now, I am seasoned New Englander. I know that March is a long month. Just because the calendar states it’s almost spring does not mean it automatically becomes spring. Snow is still a possibility, along with cold gray days, but there is hope in the air. The sun is not setting quite so early anymore. Daylight Savings has come and gone, And even on those cool days, the crocuses will start to peak through the snow, adding some much-needed color to the bland landscape. Reminding us of our resiliency.

So fellow mamas, we can do this. We can handle a few more weeks of cold air. I know we can build a couple more snowmen and paint the snow. We can snuggle under blankets, drink a few more mugs of hot cocoa, and read countless stories over and over. I know that your patience is thinning and your creativity is waning, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. The best thing about the seasons is our opportunity to start anew every few months. These dark days are almost behind us and the world will come alive again. Mamas, hold on — spring is almost here!

My Kids Don’t Have iPad Tablets and I’m the Worst Mom Ever

By

Farrah

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March 11, 2018

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It’s 7AM on a Sunday morning. The girls come thudding down the stairs as I shuffle my way to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. Minutes later, before the Keurig is even “ready to brew” I hear, “Baby Shark do do do do, baby shark do do do do!” If your kids haven’t discovered this irritating song on YouTube, consider yourself lucky. The lovely hit by Pinkfong is accompanied by a video and a dance. Oh, joy! We listen to Baby Shark at least 10 times a day. But it’s better than some of the other things my kids have found on YouTube. “Real vs. Fake” anyone? How about endless hours of adults testing out and playing with the latest toys? Who are these people?

This is part of the reason why my kids don’t have their own devices. It’s an unpopular choice, and I am the worst mom ever! And as my 6-year-old puts it, “all my friends have an Ipad!” And while this may or may not be true, I have used the old, “if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you want to do it too?” I’m not knocking parents who give their kids their own tablets. I know there are tons of educational games and apps out there. And let’s face it, they do the job when you need to get the laundry done. But we all make different parenting choices and this is mine. There is so much monitoring required when you allow your kids access to the internet. It just doesn’t seem worth it to me.

At ages four and six, my kids are more tech-savvy than the average adult, meaning, they are more tech-savvy than me. They find their way around the Roku, watching Netflix, Amazon, and yes, YouTube without any assistance. Thankfully, any annoying and possibly off-limits videos they come across are blasted on the big screen in our living room so we can clearly see and hear what they’re being exposed to. Take the “toy testing” and “doll” videos, for example. One afternoon while I was prepping dinner in the next room, the girls were watching a video of Anna and Elsa dolls having some fun in Arendale. All was fine until suddenly I realized Elsa was using her evil powers to drown Anna in the sink. Yes, DROWN HER. My kids didn’t bat an eye (another subject altogether), but I certainly did. And after doing some research, I found that seemingly “normal” videos geared toward kids can take a violent or even sexual turn before anyone is the wiser. Yes, I set the parental controls on YouTube, but it should be noted sometimes content like this can go unnoticed and therefore remain “unflagged.” Also, I’m not sure I trust the powers that be to determine what is and what is not appropriate for my child.

Another daily challenge we face is the constant request to use my phone or my iPad. My kids LOVE Snapchat and this one I find pretty harmless. The filters are hysterical! It’s a good time and occasionally we’ll send off some weird ones to friends and family. But lately, there has a been a lot of searching for JoJo Siwa on Instagram and Facebook. This is also fine, as long as I am looking over their shoulder. But when it comes time to quit, it almost always ends in a battle. Social media is addicting, didn’t you know?

I hear horror stories every day about adults using fake accounts to prey on children. Or even more common, kids being bullied online, sometimes with devastating consequences. I’m sure the parents of these children assume they are being safe. Assume they are monitoring them enough. But it still happens.

Maybe I am being naive in w

ondering why my kids want to do this stuff at such a young age. Maybe it’s naive of me to wish they didn’t. After all, this is partly my fault. I am the one with the Facebook and Instagram accounts. I am the one who showed them how to use Snapchat to swap their adorable little faces for a beard and horns. Regardless, I worry how long I can keep this up and how long can I fend off them off from wanting their own accounts. It seems like the earlier kids are exposed to social media, the sooner they find it a necessity. I’m already asked on a regular basis by my first grader when she can get her own phone. I hate to break it to her, but it’s going to be a long wait. For both of us.

I just got my first iPad last Christmas. And my first cell phone? I was 21 years old, it was a red Nokia, and all it did was call people. Imagine that? We didn’t have all of this stuff growing up. The internet is a creepy place. It’s uncharted waters for me and I fear the day I can no longer keep them from it. So for now, I’ll bide my time. No phones, no tablets. Just, NO.

“Now go play Barbies and be sure not to drown any of them.”

Shutterbug Syndrome: Why I Take So Many Pictures

By

Robin Barton

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March 9, 2018

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How many pictures do you have on your phone? Well, I ‘m creeping ever so close to the 13,000 picture mark on my phone. No exaggeration. Thank goodness for cloud accounts and bigger storage cards.

I have fully come to terms that I am “snap-happy.” Even my kids know the drill. That doesn’t mean they cooperate of course. Housed on my phone are dozens of “outtakes” from nearly every time I’ve tried to take a nice picture of them together.

Some bemoan me for eagerly wielding my phone to take a photo. “There’s Robin, taking another picture.” Most don’t seem to mind. I’m quite aware of my “picture problem,” but I have no plans to change my ways.

As long as I can remember, I have been drawn to old photos. My grandmother had one album in particular that meandered over many decades and generations. Whenever I visited (which was often as she lived next door), I would open the album and study the faces of those in the photos, clothing, and surroundings. That album was filled with pictures of my grandmother as a child, her parents as teenagers, my father and his siblings as babies. I felt as though I was taking a step back in time.

No matter how many times I looked at that album, my grandmother would have a story to offer. I think she enjoyed my enthusiasm for her memories. Once for my birthday, she created a “historical” album of family photos for me.

The allure I had of pictures was not confined to the very old. When I lived at home, I’d peruse photo albums from my parents’ wedding or from when I was a baby. It was easy for me to lose myself in these pictures for hours. I chuckled over bad fashion (so many polyester shirts), fondly remembered the old cars (my Dad loved his Camaro), and lamented over questionable hair trends (serious 80s perm action).

My love of taking pictures probably began with my first little purple Kodak camera that I received one Christmas. I remember vividly how excited I was to use it — snapping photos of anyone and anything. My mother once scolded me for using it to take pictures of my stuffed animals with it. Film was pricy after all.

shutterbug syndrome film pictures Providence Moms Blog — Photo by Joseph Chan on Unsplash

As childhood gave way to the teenage years, I was the one snapping pictures at prom and rushing to develop them the next day. There was satisfaction in dropping off that roll(s) of film at a one-hour photo mat. In the early 2000s, my now husband, then boyfriend, gifted me my first digital camera. Seeing immediate results in all their 2.0-megapixel glory, and not being limited to a roll of 24 pictures was life-changing. With that camera, we perfected “selfies” (although we certainly weren’t calling them that 15 years ago). We were ahead of our time!

With the advent of camera phones, capturing the next family memory is at my fingertips. Today I post my favorite photos on Facebook and Instagram. Facebook’s “On This Day” tears at my heartstrings when pictures of my children resurface to remind me of how tiny they were, or how rested my husband and I looked in our pre-children days. Not to mention that all of my pictorial documentation over the years means I can really own #tbt. My husband owns a DSLR camera and enjoys taking photos as a hobby. I cannot help but occasionally tool around his camera too, even if I don’t understand its full functionality. I am drawn to anything that can capture a memory!

Times may have changed but the original appeal remains: I’m a sentimental sap at heart and photographic memories are precious to me.

Perhaps one day I can be telling my own grandchildren stories about my pictures. Even if I don’t, I have plenty of fond memories wrapped up in them for my own enjoyment. So, yes, I take a lot of pictures of my children, my husband, friends, family, co-workers, places we’ve been, fun things we’ve done, and sometimes even what I’m eating. And I’m not going to apologize for it. Many thanks to everyone who puts up with this quirk of mine. It makes me happier than you probably realize.

Not “Private Parts”: Why It’s Important to Use Anatomically Correct Language

By

Gigi Walker

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March 8, 2018

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Private parts. When even using the accurate terms for them is uncomfortable, what are we supposed to do as parents? I’m sure we’ve all read articles and seen studies, and I’m also sure that the vast majority of us do our best in balancing our discomfort with a two-year-old saying “anus” against having our high school graduates still saying “cupcake” or “wee wee.” The bottom line is that it’s something we know we have to deal with but we aren’t given the tools to do so properly.

This week my son apparently announced at school that he touched another student’s bare private parts. He was overheard by older students, who did the right thing and told a teacher. When confronted, my son readily admitted that he both said this and touched the other child. However, when questioned further, he said that he touched her belly. Their cubbies are near one another, and as she was taking off a sweatshirt, her undershirt lifted up also. He saw her bare belly, and he reached out to playfully tap it.

When he revealed he had only touched her belly, I’m sure everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief. Hear me loud and clear when I say that I am beyond thrilled that my son did not touch anyone’s vagina. Or penis. Or anus. (And yes, it made me uncomfortable to type those words.) But also hear me loud and clear when I say that I fully understand that it’s not okay that he touched someone without her consent, playful or not. I get it. I really do. My mama bear instinct is to leap to his defense and argue that he was confronted with a bare body part where he wasn’t expecting one, and so he reacted impulsively. I also want to issue a reminder that he has impulse control issues. However, when I take that logic and those excuses further, I know that at some point he’ll be confronted with a bare breast or a naked penis when he isn’t expecting it, and he can’t reach out and playfully touch either one. So I get it. But also…he’s 7.

I talked to him about the entire incident as the school asked me to do, and he explained his thoughts about “private parts” to me. Because his sister doesn’t go shirtless in the summer and because all of her PJs have tops, he thought a girl’s belly was private, but a boy’s wasn’t. Doesn’t that make perfect sense when you’re 7? When I told him that “private parts” means “penis,” “vagina,” and “anus,” he was horrified and said, “I would never touch someone there!” We talked about why what he said was concerning to so many people, and he fully understood it. So all in all, it was a solid teachable moment and I was relieved not to be living my own episode of Law & Order: SVU.

But.

I have since received correspondence that states that his language was inappropriate for school and that it is never okay to touch another student. I have to break it down into two parts because both are so troubling to me.

With respect to his words, by all accounts my son said, “I touched X’s bare private parts,” and did so matter-of-factly (not gloating or teasing). First of all, he thought he was telling the truth–he believed he had touched a private part. Secondly, I refuse to teach my son that “penis” or “vagina” or “anus” is a word that is not appropriate in an academic setting, so I am certainly not going to teach him that a milquetoast collective term like “private parts” is not okay. Third, if we teach our children that they can’t say these words or the catchall words that encompass them, what are we going to do if one of them is molested or assaulted? All of the research answers this question clearly: we must give children the words and comfort with them so that, heaven forbid, if they need to report something, it is that much easier. Bottom line: I’m having an impossible time supporting the school’s position that his words were inappropriate.

Next, (and this is the piece that I am most upset by), I am really struggling to understand how my son is supposed to figure out the complicated issue of touch. It’s simply a lie that “it’s never okay to touch another student.” At his school, and I’m sure just about every other school on the planet, children hug and high-five as a normal course. They hold hands and regularly play games that require touch. I’m not suggesting that what he did was okay, although I certainly don’t think it’s that big of a deal. But I do think it’s really hard for children to sort this out, and I also believe that some students struggle to master social cues. I wouldn’t necessarily peg my son as a “struggler” in this area, but he’s not perfect, either. Sometimes we luck into the right answer or the right behavior on the first try, and sometimes we have to make a mistake to learn what the wrong choice was. Isn’t a huge part of school supposed to be learning this precise thing?

All I can do from here is reassure my son that he’s a good kid who makes bad choices sometimes like we all do. And while I’m trying to teach him the complex boundaries around acceptable and unacceptable touch, we’ll be over here practicing our comfort with the names of body parts. I don’t pretend to have all–or even many–of the answers, but that is one thing I am very clear on.

Are You Turning Into a Technology Addict?

By

Jackie Hennessey

-

March 7, 2018

0

technology addict Providence Moms Blog — Photo by rawpixel.com on Unsplash

Are you addicted to technology? I think I am. In fact, I know I am.

The sad part? I’m a child of the 1970’s.

I didn’t grow up with much of high-tech anything, except for a clock radio where the digits flipped over in slow motion. We had television, but I spent most days climbing trees and riding bikes with friends. I’m not trying to say that I walked uphill both ways in the snow, (there’s no snow or hills in the suburbs outside Houston). But if you wanted to talk to your friend on the phone, you had to wait until your brother, mother, and father were off the line and yank the phone cord because nothing was cordless.

If you wanted to watch something on TV, you had to see it that day. That very hour. There were no VCRs until the middle of the 1980’s. My brother and I will never forgive my parents for taking us on a family vacation the same week King Kong made its TV premiere. (Of all the motels, we had to stay in the one without a television.) I digress.

Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and Dorothy Hamel hairstyle aside, I’m glad I grew up when I did. I didn’t have an opportunity to become addicted to anything more techie than my best friend’s Speak and Spell. That is until geniuses started inventing fax machines and flip phones and other things that made everything easier and more convenient.

So, thanks to these inventions, we could say our lives became easier. Right?
Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe, when we really think about it, technology has made things more complicated.

If you work from home like I do, it doesn’t take long before you become addicted to your iPhone or other high-tech devices. There’s nothing wrong with taking advantage of technology that’s available to help make your job and daily life easier. (I’m still waiting for a machine that helps fold and put away laundry.) But, as it is with most things in life, it’s all good until we start over-doing it. When it starts affecting your family life, it’s time to put your iPhone down and smell the coffee.

How do you know if you’re getting carried away?

• You bring your iPhone into the bathroom so you can Snapchat, DM or text in peace.
• You interact with friends through text rather than picking up the phone.
• You interact with some friends online more often than in person.
• You rattle off “that’s great, honey” and “good job, sweetie” responses to your kids while buried in your laptop or iPhone.
• Your child pleads with you to get off your iPhone.
• You text during a phone conversation and lose your train of thought. (And the person on the other line notices.)
• You weave #hashtags into everyday conversation.
• You excuse yourself from family activities to sneak off and tweet, e-mail, or text in the other room.
• You text your husband when it’s time for dinner. And he’s already home.
• Your spouse pleads with you to put your iPhone away after the kids go to bed.
• You bring your iPhone with you on vacation, meaning you never really go on vacation.

You may not think you’re an addict, but when this behavior starts becoming the norm and your kids start to notice, you know you need to take a good look in the mirror.

Some tips to help reduce the tech addiction guilt:

1. Mini-goals. If your job depends on you to be tuned-in to technology around the clock, dedicate at least 30 minutes a day to going totally off-line. Gradually increase it by an additional five minutes every day. Make it a goal to go two hours every day without being online. You’ll be surprised at how it makes you feel!
2. Face down. My dear friend recently decided to go on a Facebook diet. She didn’t close her account but decided to stop posting. And guess what? She doesn’t miss it! Can you imagine how much time you’d save by omitting at least one social media outlet from your daily life? It’s worth a try.
3. Use an oven timer. Time yourself while you’re online. Find out how many hours you spend online and see how it makes you feel.
4. Don’t cheat. Take a break from your digital devices at least once a week. No cheating.
5. Nap-time ritual. If your kids are little enough to nap, try to work online when they are napping.
6. Block off-line time. Try to dedicate off-line time to your kids. Set a block of time every day to turn off your iPhone and step away from your laptop. Even shooting hoops for 15 minutes with your kids accounts for something.
7. Save the selfie. Walk the dog, go to the park, grab a cocoa with the kids at a local diner. Take a “yoga with baby” class. Do something off-line that’s enjoyable with your sweeties. And resist the urge to document it on social media. (I have a feeling the world will still go on without another selfie from me!)
8. Mother’s Helper. If you are too stressed to break from your digitally-oriented job, hire a babysitter or a mother’s helper to help watch your kids while you meet your deadlines.
9. Tune-out time. Turn off your devices between set blocks of time such as 5:30 p.m. and 7:30 p.m. This will allow you to accomplish your online duties during specific hours so you can spend quality “off-line” time with your family.
10. Leave it. The next time you’re out with the kids, try leaving your phone in the car. You might be pleasantly surprised. You can always answer a text or voicemail when you get back!
11. The same rules apply. As a general rule, you know it’s rude to text during a meeting. Apply these same rules of thumb when working from home. Don’t text during playtime with your little ones. I have a feeling they will appreciate it.
I’ll try to practice what I preach too. And I wish you the best on your journey to becoming less addicted to technology. xo

Growing Pains

Finding Common Ground

The Easter Bunny (definition): a human-sized animal that doesn’t speak but possesses Santa-level skills employed to deliver Easter baskets and hiding eggs.

Spring, are you out there?

But.

How do you know if you’re getting carried away?

Some tips to help reduce the tech addiction guilt:

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