This past fall, my uncle lost his battle with cancer. While expected, his decline happened much faster than anticipated. However, I am sure those closest to him do not feel that way. It is also fair to say that even when you are prepared for the worst, it does not make a loss any easier to bear. His absence will leave a hole in our lives. Our family get-togethers will be a little quieter. We will miss his humor and infectious laugh. Our lives will be less bright without him.
Over the past few weeks, I have grieved. I have grieved for my mother and her siblings who lost their brother. I have grieved for my aunt, who lost her partner of 44 years and for his grandchildren, who lost their papa. However, it is my cousins, who lost their father, that affects me the most. I know it is because I see myself in them. I know it because I, like them, have been blessed with incredibly involved parents who still continue to shape my life.
On the day of the funeral, when my cousin got up to give her eulogy, she opened with “how could I possibly tell you everything I need to about my dad? How can I put into words how much he will be missed?” and my heart shattered into a million pieces. She was right. There was no way she could possibly convey all the love he had given to them or the love they returned. There are memories and funny stories to share, but those do not even scratch the surface. How can you put into words the unconditional love you received? Stories cannot explain the unspoken moments, nuisances, and love that surrounds them. There is no way to really explain how someone has touched your entire life to the moment they were taken from you.
As a child, I never imagined how much I would need my parents as an adult. Even more unexpected was how desperately I would need them when I became a parent. My parents are my go to. I call them to ask advice, share funny stories, vent, and validate my own parenting. They lift me up when I am deflated and bring me back down when I am a bit over the top. Often, they tell me the truth, even when I may not want to hear it. They love my babies and would do anything for them. They would do anything for me. I do not know what I would do without them.
My aunt and cousins’ loss is tremendous. I know that the holidays will be hard for them. They just spent their first Thanksgiving without him. His birthday quietly crept up on us, only he did not gain another year. The Christmas season was less joyous. This time of year is chock full of memories. These memories bring joy, but also sorrow. There is never a good time to lose someone, but I am sure the holiday season is especially difficult.
However, I think it will be the day to day life that will catch them the most off guard. It will be the days they reach for their cell phone to call dad, only to realize he will not pick up. Or it might be the song on the radio that reminds them of him. It could be a funny phrase or a look one of their daughters’ gives them that will catch them by surprise. It will be all the small parts of life that will remind them of his love.
Their grieving process will never end. You cannot just forget someone you love so deeply. Yes, life will continue on, but you cannot erase their presence in your life. I find the only true way to honor their memory is to try and love others as deeply as they loved you. Maybe then their legacy can truly live on.
As parents, we’re told how time will fly when we bring our babies home. It never seems real until you’re standing in the party aisle trying to find Paw Patrol plates for your baby’s 3rd birthday.
Soon my baby, possibly my last baby, will turn three. While she is still our snuggly girl, she is quickly becoming an independent person. Three is a double edge sword. Three has her own voice, thoughts, preferences, and questions; three also has a loud voice, 8 million thoughts every five minutes, preferences that change at the drop of a hat, and questions that even the world’s greatest oracle couldn’t answer. I love the inquisitiveness that this stage of life brings. Everything is new and fun; for example, going to the zoo is a whole new experience for them because now they now know facts about those animals that last year were just kind of cool.
While this time is amazing for your toddler, it can also be hard as a parent to realize the tiny humans you’re responsible for are slowly becoming more and more able to take care of themselves. From toilet training to dressing independently, eating, or getting on those pesky swings by themselves; all these tasks that they fully relied on you for are becoming easier and easier for them to accomplish solo. This is not to say that they’re pushing us aside. Our babies will always need their mamas, but their needs will change and you’ll have to adapt.
Soon you’ll be signing them up for preschool, which by the way requires about as much paperwork as a mortgage. Next, it will be school orientations and then sending your sweet little angel (ha!) off to a big giant school where you’re convinced they’ll be trampled by a rowdy 2nd grader. Okay, so that one may just be my concern, but you get it.
For now, I will enjoy the end of two. The snuggly toddler who screams when she can’t sit on my lap; my (not so) tiny hurricane who wakes up running, the curly haired girl who loves her sister fiercely. Three is coming, and it will undoubtedly be a rollercoaster ride. Call me crazy, but it’s a ride I cannot wait to take.
People keep asking me, “So when are you having the next one?” “Do you want more?” even the nurse as I was leaving the hospital, “I’ll see you back for his sibling!”
No. I can’t do it. I can barely manage one.
This is normal for a mom of an only child, right?
I guess I always thought I would have one kid, maybe… if even. I never had that need for a bunch of kids, or more than one for that matter. There was even a span of time where I wasn’t convinced I wanted any at all.
Looking back now, that seems insane because I have this beautiful baby boy who lights up my life, but also runs me ragged on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong, I love being his mom and I wouldn’t change that for the world, but again I ask myself, “How DO people have more than one kid?”
Here’s a quick, real-life example: My son was recently sick with a pretty nasty virus, which clearly created a miserable, inconsolable, unimaginably clingy, 19-month-old. Conveniently enough, I also contracted that same nasty virus right around day three. Flash forward to way too many days and nights of no rest, constant boogers, and tears. As I lay on the couch watching “Finger Family” for the 500th time, I asked myself, “How DO people have more than one kid?”
I was barely able to survive being sick with one child. It was honestly a close call. If there were more of him, I don’t think I would have made it.
As my son approaches two, I have my moments (usually when he’s asleep, or I have been away for some chunk of the day) when I actually consider having another one. Crazy I know, but I miss that tiny little baby I once had.
Shortly after I have these thoughts, I quickly smack some sense into myself by comparing a child to a puppy. Puppies are great! They are cute and small and cuddly… but they eventually become dogs. You can’t have another kid because you want a baby. That’s just irresponsible. They grow up, and not that you wouldn’t want them then, but the reasoning behind it seems kind of faulty.
That brings me back to my initial question, “How DO people have more than one kid?” How do you know? When is too late? Am I ruining my child if I don’t give him a sibling? Am I ruining my child if I do? Can my marriage handle another round of this insanity? And so on.
I’m pretty convinced that moment of clarity never comes. You just weigh your pros and cons and either take the plunge or don’t. Many people know before they even have their first kid that they want more and good for them! I commend them! They are champions, even heroes in my book. I, on the other hand, stand with those who are greatly unsure, maybe even leaning more towards the NO end of the spectrum. I have one happy and healthy little boy. Isn’t that enough?
Many thanks to our friends at RISD Continuing Education for allowing us to bring this interview to our readers.
Photo credit: Nikki Carrara
As I sprint down Washington Street, I’m clutching my laptop bag to keep it from banging against my legs and praying that my inability to get my daughters out the door on time for school hasn’t kept Shura Baryshnikov waiting long. As I open the door to Ellie’s Bakery, sure enough, a petite blonde with striking blue eyes is sitting at the back table. Apologetic and overwhelmed, I rush over to introduce myself. Shura, however, is untroubled and reassures me that I’m right on time. As I gather my thoughts, I can’t help but stare at this poised yet unassuming woman wearing a stylish gray scarf and a soft leopard print sweatshirt. She’s honest, open, and exudes a quiet self-possession that’s wise beyond her years. Although she’s only a few years older, Shura and I are at very different parenting stages in our lives. She’s in the thick of the teenage years while I’m still in the thick of diapers. And for our morning together, it felt more like I was getting advice from my big sister or catching up with an old friend than interviewing an impressive, self-made woman who has worked tirelessly to find her path out of the shadows of her famous parents, Mikhail Baryshnikov and Jessica Lange, and reinvent herself as an interdisciplinary movement artist, dancer, choreographer, professor, business owner, and single mother.
Cultivating Her Artistry
I can’t resist asking: how did Shura’s interest in dance begin? Was it at the encouragement of her father? Like most young girls, Shura started her dance classes in classical ballet, but her parents gave her ample room to discover her own interests. “I certainly saw incredible dance and theater growing up. I was surrounded by those incredibly creative communities, and it was certainly formative. But I certainly never felt pressure from them to engage in those disciplines.” I confess to her that my oldest daughter has been in ballet classes for three years, and my youngest daughter will most likely join in her older sister’s footsteps. Ballet, we agree, is often an obvious choice for young girls.
But Shura is grateful that her parents respected her space to make her own decisions about her extracurricular activities; by the time she was thirteen years old, her interest in dance waned, and she began to focus on sports and horseback riding. But as she moved into adulthood, Shura naturally gravitated back to dance. “I went back to dance on my own because I had a genuine interest and desire to move; to have a rich life that’s grounded in improvisational practices and contemporary movement. But I came to it on my own. I found my way in that was not related to [my parents’] disciplines per se, but truly an expression of what I was interested in investigating.”
Photo Credit: James Lastowski. Featured with Danielle Davidson.
Giving Ourselves Space
I’m curious now about how Shura has grown as a dancer throughout her career, and I’ve walked into our interview unfairly assuming that her artistry is genetically inbred and easily accessible. I envision a home environment brimming with artistry for both herself and her daughters. But she’s quick to set the record straight when I ask her about how she is able to be so creative and engaged as a mother: “I think that we need to be generous with ourselves. I don’t always succeed in cultivating that generosity. Sometimes all I do is sit on the couch and watch Netflix, and sometimes I can’t enforce the sit-down dinner for everyone and engage in stimulating conversation. Sometimes it’s just too much.”
It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only one who feels like I can’t constantly provide the creative stimulus I’d like to for my children and that as mothers, we need to give ourselves permission to have downtime to recharge. As we talk more about this, Shura points out that in order to have moments of creativity and inspiration, both within ourselves and for our children, we need to give “ourselves the space to know we need to let ourselves off the hook sometimes; that’s also part of the creative and generative process of finding a way to reinvigorate our interest in what we do. We can’t always be pushing. There’s a renewal where we have to build our battery stores up again” so we can keep moving forward.
But for her daughters, Shura has worked hard to make sure that they are able to explore their own passions. “I’ve tried to follow their interests and not push them into any particular mold. And they’ve both emerged with really defined and specifics interests, and I’m just trying to support those as best as I can. It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do with myself, and I just want to keep the dialogue open with them.” Shura makes it clear that she’s offered opportunities to her girls (her youngest is a budding circus performer; her oldest is an actress, singer, and linguist) but has expected them to take the lead in discovering where they want to put their creative energy.
On Raising Independent Children
In talking to Shura, it’s clear that she’s very proud of her daughters and their accomplishments. And it seems that her biggest priority as a mother is to teach her daughters how to be independent. Her girls have household chores and responsibilities and are in charge of organizing their own time management and activities. Whether it’s fighting over who has to unload the dishwasher, filling out their own paperwork, or making sure their homework is completed on time, Shura has a “hands-off” approach and trusts that she’s given her girls the skills and ability to manage their daily routines on their own. Her oldest daughter will study abroad in France for the school year while her youngest will tour for the third time as a trouper with the all-children circus, Circus Smirkus, this summer.
While some parents may perceive this as a lack of parenting attachment, I find it impressive that Shura has a secure relationship with her daughters where they feel comfortable enough to explore on their own adventures. Appreciative of the feedback, she agrees. She begins to gush about her daughters, and it’s clear that she’s proud of the young adults they’re becoming. “My girls are very different. It’s always that surprising thing of how can two people, two sisters from the same parents turn out with such different interests, personalities, and constitutions? That’s the joy of parenting, of getting to see who they become. It’s been beautiful to watch that unfold and see their individuality.”
Photo Credit: Genevieve Du Paul
Cultivating Curiosity
I still want to know more about how Shura cultivated artistry and creativity for her own daughters. Did her daughters, who are accomplished artists themselves, pick up on artistry merely through osmosis, or did Shura work hard to give her daughters an artistic upbringing? She is quick to admit that fostering an interest in the arts came more out of necessity than anything else. “They spent a lot of time with me in rehearsals and in studios, and they saw me working toward the things that I wanted for myself. I think that’s partially the result that I didn’t have an established career when I had them because I had them so young. I was 21 and 23 when my girls were born, so I really had come into my professional life and creative practice with them as they moved through their childhood and elementary school years. I was also growing with them as an artist and kind of discovering what makes me happy. They were witness to that.”
Shura’s daughters watched the blood, sweat, and tears she put into her career. Transparency, though, has been a necessity, and Shura is a firm believer in making sure that her daughters understand life’s challenges and that there are no easy shortcuts. “I think that showing our children what is important to us by example is really important. And that’s not without its cost. They’ve had to have a lot of independence because I was building a foundation for myself as an artist. I couldn’t rest on my laurels or the work I had done previous to having them. I really had to build everything from the ground up after they were born, and so they saw the hard work. And they’ve seen me go from doing part-time, independent work as a dancer and choreographer, to having a full-time faculty position and running a company. But life is hard, no matter what your circumstances.”
Finding Her Path
Shura has taken nothing for granted and has embraced all her life experiences as bringing her to certain paths based on both practicalities and desires. “I think we’re constantly making decisions that are practical and instinctual. We’re trying to pursue our needs and our dreams. Sometimes those things overlap, and sometimes they don’t.” Finding herself as a single mother at a young age, Shura knew she needed to find work that allowed her flexibility. And like most women, she engaged in the give and take of following her passion while making sure the bills were paid and food was on the table. Her career has ebbed and flowed: Shura has worked as an interior designer, arts administrator, teacher, and runs her own company.
She describes her career as lily pads: all of her life experiences have always brought her to her next career step. She has a clear appreciation for all the life lessons she’s gained from her non-traditional career moves and the various jobs she’s had in her life. While now, for example, she realizes that working in arts administration would not sustain her passions long term, it taught her both business management and catapulted her to pursue a more creative practice. “We often have to do things we don’t want to do. But ideally, there’s some grand design where we’re learning a set of skills that can be useful to us. We have a path that’s not necessarily linear, but that builds a base of knowledge and experience that ends up being valuable when we finally find our way to the things we need to be doing. I don’t think it changes. I think it’s reinvention. Nine lives: that’s more the reality. We don’t necessarily stay in the same careers all our lives.”
Seasons of Our Lives
I find it incredibly reassuring to know that I’m not the only mother out there continually wondering how to redefine my career and work experiences. Shura reassures me that she had to say “yes” to a lot of jobs before the felt she had the option to say “no.” I find this so encouraging to hear, and Shura reminds me that I’m still in the “survival stage” of parenting. “What it comes down to is that there are seasons in our lives. My mom says this now that she’s been an empty nester for years, ‘everything in your career and life happens at once — your relationships, your career, your parenting, your professional life — everything falls at once, and you’re juggling it, but at some point, there’s going to be a lot more space.’ So it’s recognizing that nothing stays the same forever. The kind of frenetic life that I’m keeping right now; the company and the professorship and the kids — that will pass eventually. It’s not going to stay the same. My kids are going to grow up and move out of the house, and even my company work, as it is now, won’t last forever. There will be a time and a season for something to be different.”
For Shura, that means one day she’ll have more time to practice her solo work in her studio and a reminder to take care of herself as best as she can. But for now, to keep up with the daily pace of life, Shura has carved out small rituals for herself: her morning breakfast smoothie and coffee, taking her girls to school in her pajamas, cooking a healthy meal most nights while listening to NPR, and watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy while reminding herself that she has to be forgiving when life isn’t perfect. “I don’t need to beat myself up about anything.”
Photo Credit: Aaron Henderson. Featured with Sydney Skybetter.
Her Advice to Other Parents
What advice does she have for parents who might not consider themselves to be creative, but who want to foster artistic creativity in their own children? Pinterest, the library, and music classes are all excellent resources, but Shura cautions against controlling too much of our children’s lived experiences: “I think children will have natural aptitudes and will gravitate towards particular things, and as parents, we need to pay attention to that and fuel that fire. Children can discover on their own. They don’t necessarily need to be exposed to it. It’s just kind of recognizing that interest in them and then figuring out how to feed that interest, even if it’s not your area of expertise.”
At the same time, Shura emphasizes the importance of creating a village of support for ourselves and our children, and to find other parents to lean on who share common values. “It’s impossible to be everything for our children. We have to recognize that they benefit from their exposure to other people as well and their expertise. We can’t be everything to our partners, we can’t be everything to our children — it’s too much pressure to put on one person. We just have to create that environment where they have access to that information and those people.” By just watching our children, we can figure out how to feed their interests, and we don’t have to do that alone. For Shura, having a network of support was instrumental in raising independent and successful daughters.
The One Piece of Advice She Hopes Her Girls Listen To
“I think we need to follow our curiosity. I think if we are attentive to our curiosity, it will generally guide us to the next jump in our lives. If we can keep the things we’re curious about, doors will open and things will unfold for us. Curiosity leads you to your passions.”
At Providence Moms Blog, we are passionate about the amazing multi-dimensionality of motherhood and aim to support mothers in their role as “mom” while encouraging them to honor all the other aspects of their identity. We believe that the arts are an essential part of what makes us human and encourage all moms to make the arts a part of their own and their children’s lives. We are proud to partner with Rhode Island School of Design’s Continuing Education Program for this series.
RISD Continuing Education educates students of all ages in art and design with high quality, accessible programs, courses, lectures, and workshops.
RISD CE offers courses for adults in the fine and applied arts and design at beginning, intermediate, and advanced levels. You’ll find a range of options to explore the world of art and design and RISD’s flexible course schedules meet the needs of today’s adult learners and their busy lifestyles. Options include 3-hour and weekend workshops, 6-12 session courses, and full certificate programs.
RISD’s Young Artist Program (ages 6-17) helps students make their mark as they create, build, make, and dream big through courses in 2D, 3D, digital art and design, as well as STEAM courses.
Saturday courses are offered year-round, and week-long vacation camps are offered in the winter, spring, and summer. Teens can enroll in one of four certificate programs to broaden their skills or prepare for a future in art and design.
I am a work-from-home mom, and sometimes my work requires travel. I might add, this travel is super fun and is basically a five-day party with my best girlfriends. It feels more like a vacation than a work trip. As moms, I think the world tells us we’re not supposed to enjoy trips away from our families, especially work travel, so I find myself feeling conflicted.
Over a recent weekend, I was at a conference in Atlanta with about 8,000 other women. One of the speakers–a multimillionaire entrepreneur and all-around inspiration–took to the stage and talked to us about Mom Guilt. Not selling strategies, not ways to boost our belief in ourselves, not mapping out a successful year, but Mom Guilt. And it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Here I was, halfway across the country and excited for time with the best work friends anyone could ask for, and yet I was mired in Mom Guilt. Before I left for the five-day trip, I made a detailed three-page schedule of all of the things I keep in my head: this kid gets out 20 minutes before that kid on Tuesdays, but they both have activities until 5:00 on Wednesdays; this kid is invited to that birthday party on Sunday and the gift is arriving via Amazon; this kid gets lunch at school but won’t eat Shepherd’s Pie so make lunch on Monday; and on and on into infinity. This schedule included schematics detailing the pickup and drop off paths at school and other crazy minutiae. In short, this schedule was insane, and it made me wonder if I was, too.
I spent the day before my trip frantically doing everyone else’s laundry and pre-packing snacks for the kids’ backpacks instead of packing my own suitcase, which I did 20 minutes before I had to leave for the airport. I promised to bring back gifts and said goodbye way too many times. And then I got on the plane with my best friend and succumbed to the worry: would my daughter feel sad if she didn’t hear her special lullaby before bed? Would my son remember to bring his snow boots so he could sled at recess? Would anyone go to bed on time? How would my husband handle the morning drop off? Would everyone be stressed and anxious and upset, or was that just me?
Thank goodness I heard the speech about Mom Guilt the next day and not on the last day of the conference. What the wise speaker imparted was this: yes, what’s happening at home is different than how you would have done it, but that’s good for everyone. Let their dad or whoever is taking care of them be the hero and come up with his own solutions to routine problems like not having any of the pretzels they like. She reminded me that while I’m not there to swoop in and supervise homework or remember whose bath night it is, there is another capable adult in the house who can certainly handle it. And she also reminded me that it is a life skill for our children to be able to work successfully with different people. They aren’t always going to have a day that’s exactly the way they prefer it, and the sooner they are able to adjust to that, the better. Finally, she suggested that this could be a form of socialization: because the moms were away, perhaps some teenage babysitters or grandparents were helping out. It’s healthy for children–really for everyone–to learn to get along with people of all ages because when we go to college or get our first jobs, not everyone is the same age as us. Elementary school is a controlled, false environment, where all the 7-year-olds are together. Once little Sally or Johnny gets a job, the 21-year-olds don’t all have their own floor, and they don’t then graduate to the 22-year-old floor. Of course, same-age classrooms make sense, but I had to admit that she had a point.
So I took an empowering breath, released the guilt, trusted that I would get a phone call if anything horrific happened, and believed that my husband and mother-in-law had it covered. I got what I needed out of the conference, and was able to be fully present and worry-free. At the airport, before my return flight, I grabbed the gifts I had promised my children (sidenote: I asked them if they wanted toiletries from the hotel or gum from the airport. Faced with this choice, they obviously chose the gum, saving me from buying an overpriced replica of an airplane…again….).
I got home and was greeted with ecstatic hugs from happy children who had been fed, bathed, driven all over God’s green earth, and loved while I was gone. I learned that my son had conned his grandmother into sleeping in his double bed with him for the past few nights, and thought what a sweet memory that will be for both of them. I also thought that it’s something I would have said no to because it was a school night. I learned that during the school holiday while my husband was at work, she had asked them where they’d like to go for lunch and then used her GPS (which scares her) to take them there. I learned that my husband wrapped the birthday gift beautifully and made friends with other men at the birthday party. In short, I learned that not only did everyone survive without me, they thrived. And all this priceless lesson cost me was two packs of gum.
So many things change when you become a parent. Your daily routine is just the tip of the iceberg. I realized recently that I have morphed into a new version of myself, sometimes exhibiting strange behaviors. I don’t where or when I picked up these habits. But I did so nonetheless. Here are 7 things I do now that I’m a mom.
1. I hide in the bathroom
I’ll admit it, sometimes I hide in the bathroom. The door closed, phone or magazine in hand, mug on the counter. And while little hands occasionally beat on the door, I spout lies at the top of my lungs. “Give mommy some privacy, please! I’ll be out in a minute! I’m going potty!” when really, I am enjoying a sip of coffee that has not been microwaved while catching up on Facebook. I haven’t resorted to eating in there yet. But I am not opposed should the need present itself. Which leads me to….
2. I eat in bed
Never ever did I do this before having kids. The thought revolted me. Crumbs in my bed? EW! But now, especially on the weekends, I eat my breakfast in bed. Why? Because little people have taken over the living room and rather than watch The Descendants for the 18th time at 7am, I prefer the Today Show or Fixer Upper with my scrambled eggs. Don’t judge, I make the bed first and I use a napkin.
3. I narrate my day
I talk to myself A LOT. I read somewhere in the Guide for New Moms (okay, I made that title up, but it was in a parenting book somewhere, I’m sure of it) that it’s helpful to warn your kids about what will be happening next. So I’m always saying, “girls, in five minutes we’re going to have lunch and then we’ll go to the playground.” But now, I do this even when they’re not around. “In 10 minutes I’ll go the bank then stop by work,” I say out loud. Who am I warning? Myself? My husband? He’s not listening!
4. I go outside in my pajamas
I am no glamour girl. I’ve left the house in gym clothes, without makeup, wearing a baseball hat before. But I always had shoes on my feet and actual clothing on my body. This year, I decided that was too much effort and I took casual to another level. On any given morning I can be seen chatting it up at the bus stop in my pajamas and slippers. I still brush my hair and put my contacts in, but if I’m not going to the office, I’m not getting dressed before 8am. I am not alone and I am not ashamed.
5. I laugh on daily basis
It’s not that I was miserable before, but it’s true that kids say darnedest things! Every day my girls do something that makes me laugh out loud. Knock knock jokes are a regular occurrence at the dinner table, and I relish in the goofy stories and mispronunciations. I don’t correct my youngest when she says, “Frankenstyle” is her favorite Halloween monster or when she asks if that parking spot is for “handy captain.” I just laugh and answer, “yes it is!” Someday she’ll say it right, but for now, she’s four and I like her little language. And there’s nothing quite as funny as being forced to watch your kids put on a dance performance complete with wacky costumes, hair flips, and dramatic poses. I now know what I put my mother through and all I have to say is, “you’re welcome!”
6. I cry at the drop of a hat
I have never considered myself an emotional person. Now I might as well carry a hanky. Movies, television shows (I am talking to you, This Is Us!) have me blubbering like an idiot without much effort. I cry at my husband’s choice of anniversary cards. I cried at my daughter’s first recital and when she and my husband posed for pictures before the sweetheart dance. I cried when I changed my last diaper and when I nursed my second child for the very last time. The crying seems to happen whenever it wants. Its wrapped up in happiness, sadness and pride for everything they do. I’m a sap.
7. I worry constantly
I think this is the one part of parenthood I could do without. I would trade this for more night feedings, more temper tantrums, even an annual bout with the stomach bug. I worry about everything. I worry if my kids are playing alone on the playground, if they’re eating enough, pooping enough, or watching too much TV. I have anxiety about the future, both mine and theirs. I worry about this crazy world and if it will be better or worse when they’re adults. I question if we are doing a good job, and if we’re teaching them all the right things. But most of all I worry that time is going too fast and I’m going to miss something. Then I worry that I am worrying a bit too much.
Growing up near New York City, I was fortunate to have access to some of the greatest museums in the world. However, through much of my childhood, I did not appreciate this at all. My parents would drag me to art museums in the city, as well as when we were on vacation. I recall sullenly sitting on a bench waiting for them to be done. Now that I am a parent, I want my children to appreciate culture, and luckily we live in an area where there are lots of terrific museums. Frankly, for every amusement park, horrible movie, and arcade that I have had to endure, I feel that I have earned a quality cultural experience every now and then. Living in Providence we have easy access to a gem – the RISD Museum. I have found a few strategies that have helped our kids enjoy quite a few visits.
Be Strategic
Unlike a larger museum like the Museum of Fine Arts or The Metropolitan, you can get through the entire RISD Museum in an afternoon. There are some sections that my kids enjoy more than others, so we are rarely ambitious enough to think we will see everything. For a museum of any size, sit your kids down with the map and figure out the three or four areas that would interest them (or look at it online the night before). My kids love the large Buddha on the top floor and there are often multimedia exhibits. My teenager is old enough to appreciate some of the fashion exhibits and my younger one likes anything connected to ancient Egypt. If there is an area that you desperately want to see, but the kids are fighting it, there is no shame in dividing and conquering. My husband is a pro at occupying the kids in the gift shop so I can get half an hour by myself.
Don’t read every detail of every painting. Stay in each space long enough to appreciate it, but don’t linger. Remember – you are not writing a thesis, you are enjoying the art.
A good café and gift shop are key and the RISD Museum has both. The gift shop features RISD grads and has a section geared toward kids. Café Pearl has Bolt Coffee – enough said.
Try a scavenger hunt
I have noticed that several art and history museums now have scavenger hunts for kids of different ages. If they do not, then make one yourself. Find three paintings with the color red. Look for a sculpture of a horse. We sometimes go into a modern art room and play a game of, “Could you color that?” This keeps them moving and having fun. RISD also has lots of days geared toward children with interactive art projects, such as Tours for Tots and Family See and Sketch.
Explain the rules
Explain in advance that touching is not allowed and avoid rooms with items such as glass figurines or small sculptures. I have some not-so-fond memories of chasing a 3-year-old around a room full of sculpture saying, “Don’t touch that,” about a thousand times. Unless you want a security guard on your tail, keep a close eye. If your kids are little, definitely bring the stroller.
Go on a Sunday
The RISD Museum is free on Sundays. The admission is reasonable on other days, but this way you don’t feel bad if you have to leave after half an hour. Parking on either Benefit Street or North/South Main Street is also much easier on a weekend. It makes for a great weekend outing, especially on a cold winter day.
I would be lying if I said that we did not focus heavily on natural history museums or science centers. I am merely suggesting that you should not shy away from art museums. Children are by nature creative, open-minded, and adventurous. The sooner you expose them to art, the greater the likelihood that they will enjoy it when they are older. Picasso said that, “Every child is an artist,” and I believe that all children can learn to love the experience of going to a museum.
The other night, I had a realization. I forgot to make my kids lunch for daycare the next day. Ugh. So at 10 pm, while I was making macaroni and cheese, I had another realization. I looked around the room and noticed how many intense kitchen tech toys we now have taking up counter space. Admittedly, I don’t cook very often. My husband gets home from work first and enjoys creating in the kitchen. He also likes technological innovation. That combination has led to the slow but steady incorporation and domination of tech into our kitchen. Here are our top four toys that directly affect our kids’ lives:
1. Air Fryer. This egg-shaped appliance heats air and cycles it around your food to produce beautifully crispy meals with barely any (or no) added oil. This has saved meal times many times over. When we need a go-to meal, we throw in chicken tenders and french fries into this thing at the same time and cook it all together. And, boy does it make a perfectly crispy tater-tot (which, thanks to moi, is now a family favorite). Only con: there is an egg-shaped heater on my counter all the time! I bump into it a lot…
2. Vacuvita®. This is a food storage system that sucks the air out of its reusable containers to keep food fresh longer. I have a love/hate relationship with this innovation. Pro: It does exactly what it says and it has saved us from wasting gobs of food and money. Con: The largest container – AKA: the home base – is a beast of a machine (because it houses the vacuum system) and takes up some serious counter real estate. Then sometimes I forget what’s in the containers because they are mostly oblique and only have a tiny window. And no, I don’t use the fancy app that lets me track what’s in each container with a QR code. Luckily, though, when I do remember what’s in there, 80% of the time, it’s still good.
3. AeroGarden®. Yes, we bought an indoor garden. It’s really cool. You put in the seed pods, add water when the machine beeps at you and watch your plants grow. The kids really enjoy checking on our herbs every day. And they now know what herbs are, which is pretty great. Now our plants are big enough that we are starting to trim, dry and use them in our food. It’s nice to have a bit of green and growth in the winter months, too. This garden is BIG, so we commandeered a former changing table for its permanent residence. No regrets yet!
4. Food Dehydrator. This is our newest tech toy. We experienced a food dehydrator and its gleanings while visiting family earlier this year. My husband was intrigued by the technology (a heated fan that removes moisture from food) and our kids loved the product – homemade banana chips. So guess what we got for Christmas! Then guess who refuses to eat banana chips at home! We’ll see what else we can dehydrate (such an unsexy word) to inspire our kids to try something new.
So, maybe my title was a bit dramatic. Though my husband is also dabbling in sous vide (there’s an appliance – Joule® – AND an app for that) and he has been supporting a Kickstarter campaign for a meat thermometer that talks to your phone. So, I’d give Alexa (yes, we also have an Echo Dot) three to six months until she’ll be able to run a diner out of our house. No short order cooks required. I hope she’ll let us eat there for free. I’ll let you know in a few months.
On February 14, 2018, seventeen innocent children and teachers kissed their families goodbye and walked out the door for the very last time. Their lives were lost to gun violence, a trend that’s far too common. It’s really hard to swallow that this wasn’t the first school shooting of the new year. In fact, it’s the 18th. In just six short weeks, there have been eighteen school shootings. Let that sink in for a moment. Eighteen times over the past six weeks, children were killed (yes, they were killed; I’m sick of people saying they died) when they were in a school building, trying to learn.
I am the mom of an eighteen month old baby boy who attends school with both elementary and middle school students. In the year that I have spent dropping him off each day, I have never worried about gun violence. Should I? Am I the naïve one? Instead of just worrying about whether I have all the gear that comes with an 18 month old, I now need to add this fear to the list. My heart is aching as I type these words. I hurt for the children and parents around this country who are faced with this each and every single day. I’m angry that I even have to think about these things. I’m livid that my child will grow up in a world where the NRA dictates so many decisions that are made in the political arena. I’m disgusted that guns are readily accessible in America.
How do we make the gun violence in our schools stop? Do we use metal detectors? Cameras? Police officers in schools? We can certainly try, but all of those security measures won’t take away the guns. It will scare children about going to school, increase anxiety, and create an atmosphere where learning becomes forced and difficult. Lockdown policies didn’t save lives at Sandy Hook and cameras couldn’t have protected lives during Columbine.
I am particularly overwhelmed by the specific shooting that took place in Parkland, Florida this week. During media interviews with students who witnessed the deadly attack, many indicated that they weren’t surprised to learn the identity of the shooter and that they expected something like this to “happen from him at some point.”
We need to change the mindsets of those in power throughout our country who have accepted the frequency of school shootings. Let me be clear when I say this: SCHOOL SHOOTINGS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING. It is a nightmare for a community, for parents, for siblings, and for every human being who has to live their life with the fear that their child might not come home from school. Something must be done. The 19th school shooting will come, most likely sooner rather than later, and Valentine’s Day will never be the same for so many. A change in gun laws and the realization that something MUST be done will help, but it’s already taking too long.
How many lives of children and educators do we need to lose before a change is made?
It was a warm, sunny Sunday morning in June that I anxiously sat in the bathroom staring at a little stick to see if I was pregnant. After confirming a positive result with a couple more pregnancy tests (just in case), I started placing the date of my last menstrual period into online pregnancy trackers: a due date in mid-February.
Having a brand new baby is never simple. But a brand new baby in the middle of winter? There’s a whole extra set of unique challenges that I had not anticipated whatsoever:
You worry about how you’ll get to the hospital if you go into labor in a blizzard
If you live in Rhode Island and are due December through March, this scenario has played out in your mind. My husband and I made a plan for arriving at the hospital should I go into labor when the roads were impassable. Lo and behold, my water broke spontaneously – without warning – 15 days before my due date. When did this happen? In the middle of an ice storm of course: one so bad that my obstetrician’s office was closed. While the weather wasn’t bad enough to enact our 20 step disaster plan, my husband white-knuckled the drive to the hospital during far from ideal road conditions. Maybe that was amplified by the sheer terror…I mean…excitement of impending fatherhood.
You don’t know if the baby is too cold….or too warm
Ahhh, the sweet release from the four walls of your hospital room! Of course, upon your escape, you feel a combination of joy and nerves. No longer will there be nurses to help you out; just you and your husband exchange reassuring glances that say: “We can do this!” Problem is before you even step out of the room, it hits you. Is the baby dressed properly? I mean, he just vacated my cozy, warm womb days ago. Overdressed/underdressed/too cold/too warm worries persisted for the remainder of the winter. It’s not just a concern when the baby spends time outside either. You even worry about it when you’re in the house. I remember debating with my husband more than once that we were keeping the thermostat too low or too high.
Short, cold, dark days don’t help your various post-partum moods
Those first few post-partum weeks, filled with the rush of wacky hormones have you a little bit out of sorts. You are basking in love for your new baby, but you can also cry at the drop of a hat. I am a person who thrives on a little bit of sunshine. Several days of rainy weather usually start affecting my mood, post-partum hormones or not. My maternity leave was made of shorter days, cold weather, and a generous sprinkling of snow and ice. These things did nothing to help my mood swings or energy level.
All.The.Germs.
It’s cold, flu, and RSV season and your new baby’s immature immune system is exposed to an aggressive onslaught of germs from the onset. Every little noise and .000000001 change in temperature has your mommy radar on high alert. As a first time mom, I am pretty sure I should have bought stock in Purell – or at least the company that makes those pacifier wipes.
There’s nowhere to go
Even if the weather is decent and you want to escape from the house, where can you GO? My second son was born in the spring. We went for walks in the park, Target, and Starbucks. We took his big brother to zoos and playgrounds. But, my first son? We couldn’t go strolling in the park in 30-degree weather, and I couldn’t take him on a recreational Target excursion when the roads were icy. And even when we could go to Target, there was only so many times I could go for “toothpaste” and walk away spending $100 on stuff I “needed.” New motherhood can be isolating and being stuck inside can make it a tad more lonesome. In the end, I spent many days on my maternity leave feeling chained to my couch nursing, watching reruns of “American Pickers” and tearing up over paper towel ads.
Crossing your fingers it doesn’t snow for their birthday party
One year into this parenting thing and you’re feeling much more confident. But now it’s time to plan his or her birthday party. In the winter. Having a gathering outdoors isn’t feasible and your house is too small to handle the guest list. Cue the research into halls or restaurants. After choosing a venue, you nail bite your way through weather forecasts leading up to the party. My son has had six birthday parties thus far. We postponed one because of a blizzard. And we should have postponed another based on another blizzard the day prior, leaving many guests still digging out. As I write this I am currently keeping my fingers crossed his upcoming birthday party goes off without a meteorological hitch.
So, there you have it. I can now look back at those early days of new parenting in a harsh season and laugh. But, be warned. It’s not for the faint of heart. Did you experience any extra challenges to motherhood with your winter baby?
Growing up near New York City, I was fortunate to have access to some of the greatest museums in the world. However, through much of my childhood, I did not appreciate this at all. My parents would drag me to art museums in the city, as well as when we were on vacation. I recall sullenly sitting on a bench waiting for them to be done. Now that I am a parent, I want my children to appreciate culture, and luckily we live in an area where there are lots of terrific museums. Frankly, for every amusement park, horrible movie, and arcade that I have had to endure, I feel that I have earned a quality cultural experience every now and then. Living in Providence we have easy access to a gem – the RISD Museum. I have found a few strategies that have helped our kids enjoy quite a few visits.
The other night, I had a realization. I forgot to make my kids lunch for daycare the next day. Ugh. So at 10 pm, while I was making macaroni and cheese, I had another realization. I looked around the room and noticed how many intense kitchen tech toys we now have taking up counter space. Admittedly, I don’t cook very often. My husband gets home from work first and enjoys creating in the kitchen. He also likes technological innovation. That combination has led to the slow but steady incorporation and domination of tech into our kitchen. Here are our top four toys that directly affect our kids’ lives: 
On February 14, 2018, seventeen innocent children and teachers kissed their families goodbye and walked out the door for the very last time. Their lives were lost to gun violence, a trend that’s far too common. It’s really hard to swallow that this wasn’t the first school shooting of the new year. In fact, it’s the 18th. In just six short weeks, there have been eighteen school shootings. Let that sink in for a moment. Eighteen times over the past six weeks, children were killed (yes, they were killed; I’m sick of people saying they died) when they were in a school building, trying to learn.
It was a warm, sunny Sunday morning in June that I anxiously sat in the bathroom staring at a little stick to see if I was pregnant. After confirming a positive result with a couple more pregnancy tests (just in case), I started placing the date of my last menstrual period into online pregnancy trackers: a due date in mid-February.
