Let’s Talk About Race, Baby

I’m relatively new to this racial idea exploration, and I feel really strongly about ideas of fairness, so bear with this somewhat disjointed ramble. You may be surprised to learn that I’m new to race issue discussion because well…I’m black. I grew up in a town that had black and white people (but not a whole lot else). I went to an almost all-white high school. (In my graduating class, I was the black person. There was a Puerto Rican girl and an Asian girl.) While college was more racially diverse and I made friends, my closest friends were Japanese. I went to law school where again most of the student body and faculty was white.

I married a white guy. I had two kids—both of whom can pass for white (at least while I’m not around). But throughout my life, no one really talked about racial tension or racial issues. We were blissfully ignorant. Not that there weren’t racial incidents, but they were quickly dismissed and forgotten. Even by me.

No one thinks that discussing racial issues is light-hearted and easy. But I believe 100% that the issues our country is facing now — such as BlackLivesMatter, the Colin Kaepernick NFL “scandal” (depending on how you view his actions) and all the stories of white people calling 911 on black people for various (read: stupid) reasons– are the result of millions of people like me and those I interacted with refusing to address these issues in any meaningful way.

As a black mom, I am now uber sensitive about racial issues. Over the last ten years or so, Americans revealed a lot of their suppressed feelings, and not for the better. My kids are only 8 and 4. This has been happening for their entire lives.  And while these feelings weren’t hidden completely (or all that well to anyone who isn’t white), hearing them over and over again is still scary sometimes. I don’t always know who feels happy or devastated or emboldened about a particular event or policy. While I certainly have people in my life who have demonstrated that they share my concerns and fears about the direction in which America is headed, many others have appeared unruffled. They tell the rest of us that we were overreacting and should keep an open mind.  And sometimes that reaction really surprises me. There are still people we interact with who are willing to ignore what I think is blatantly angry racist speech. There are people out there who most certainly do not have my back and would be offended and lash out if I called them racist, but would remain silent in the face of hateful speech directed at people who look like me.

That someone could be a part of my life and exposed to my kids but also entertain/condone racist thoughts scares the hell out of me. But not because I think they’ll hurt my kids physically. The harm goes deeper than that.  I was brainwashed to think over the course of my life to believe that assimilation and suppressing my confrontational button (for social justice issues) was the “right” way to behave. But it’s not rude to call someone a racist. It’s immoral to BE a racist. I don’t want our American manner of “dealing” with racism to brainwash my boys into believing it is better to remain silent, rather than engaging with white friends who hold harmful, flawed views about race.

For the better part of a decade, and more particularly as my boys grow out of toddlerhood and I have to share them with the world, I’ll admit I’ve become obsessed with the idea of figuring out people’s views on racial issues. And I’m here to tell you, that I’m having limited luck. We’ve all learned to clam up and avert our eyes. Like many of us, I’m a Facebook addict, and I use my profile for posting inappropriate humor, funny stories about my kids, and things that irritate me (read: fill me with red rage). One of those topics is racism in America. And when I post, I am definitely waiting for reactions. I don’t get a lot of reaction on MY posts. And I don’t know whether it’s because my status updates don’t reach many friends, or they all agree with me, or they aren’t interested, or they are afraid of saying the “wrong” things. Usually, I end up going to a (white) friend’s page to engage with someone who doesn’t hold similar views on racism. But on my statuses, I look eagerly who “likes” my status or comments (which is rare). It makes me feel relieved, quite frankly when someone new does “like” it. These are some of the ways I can actually figure out who is on my side and who will stand up for me and my family. I’ve also had conversations with people, both friends and strangers, but I still feel that I’m not necessarily getting the true picture. We all edit ourselves to some extent. A conversation about race is surely edited to some extent for any number of reasons. In America, it isn’t safe to talk about race.

At the first hint of racism, we are quick to shame and shun the person. We aren’t as quick to check our emotions and have a conversation. I’m guilty of it. But if we shun and shame those we know we guarantee one result: more racism. I’m not proposing that we give them the stamp of approval. All opinions are not valid. Sometimes the person will have to suffer consequences. But if all we do is shun and shame, without talking to people we might have influence over, nobody’s views will change. We’ll all look at each other with suspicion and hurt and mistrust. That isn’t a result I’m okay with.

I don’t know how to fix this issue, except to engage with one person at a time. I think it’ll be an exhausting, frustrating, lifelong task. Sort of like laundry, but with a better pay-off. I won’t even say I’m good at what I’m doing. I go on rants about racism. And then when I calm down, I try to talk to people about it. That doesn’t make me approachable, I know. But this is hard, and you have to actively search for those who can teach you how to start talking about race.

I’m more frustrated that I cannot get people to talk about it with me than I am at their actual views. Maybe if more people shared their views, I might not think that way for long. But at this point, the problem for me is finding people who will engage and are willing to be uncomfortable.

Have any of you tried to engage in dialogue about racism and been successful? Have any of you tried to be engaged and be less than successful (like me!)? I’d honestly be interested in hearing any and all of your stories. I’d honestly be interested in hearing from anyone on this topic at all!